Draco and Ginny's Rant
by Tiny Q
Summary: Imagine if all the HP characters had to act out every single fan fiction that they have ever been written into. It would be totally twisted. This is my take on what might happen behind the scenes of a D/G fic.
1. Rant 1

Title: Draco and Ginny's Rant 

Author: Tiny Q

E-Mail: one_legged_lesbian_seagull@hotmail.com

A/N: Ha Ha Ha! Yes I am at it again. Writing more lovely D/G fics. Though this isn't exactly a fic, more like a script type thing. Imagine if all the HP characters had to act out every single one of their fics? It would be totally twisted. This is my take on what might happen behind the scenes of a D/G fic. Ahyhoo, all fan fiction authors: Please do not take offense to anything contained in this fic. It is directed at my own frustrating lack of originality and I just had to get it out. 

Now please enjoy: 

**Draco**** and Ginny's Rant**

It was a beautiful day outside at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. Ginny Weasley was taking full advantage of it by revising yet another chapter in her book called: _Ginny Weasley's Guide to Stalking Harry Potter_. Draco Malfoy was also taking advantage of the nice weather, but for an entirely different rea-

Tiny Q: Ooh! The phone! I'll be right back!

~walks off~

Ginny: Is she gone?

Draco: Yeah, I think she is. 

~walks over to where Ginny is sitting and sits down~

Ginny: Good. I don't think I am up to acting out another fic right now. And this one sounds like a winner. 'A beautiful day outside at Hogwarts...' Bah! How corny!

Draco: What catches my attention is: '_Ginny Weasley's Guide to Stalking Harry Potter_' 

Ginny: Well I have to make some extra pocket money some how, don't I?

Draco: Well I guess, you being a Weasley and all.

Ginny: Do you _always_ have to bring that up?! I mean after _all_ we have been through?

Draco: You mean, what _they_ ~points at fan fiction writers~ have put us through.

Ginny: ~looks at authors~ Yeah, I guess you are right. I mean _how_ many times have I run around a corner and smacked into you?

Draco: And how many times have I not had to tutor you?

Ginny: Hey! There have been a few when _I_ tutor _you_.

Draco: Yeah, but at what price?

Ginny: ~appears to be in deep thought~ Good point. ~thinks some more~ And you are almost always an evil little minion for your father.

Draco: Yeah, and you _always_ manage to find the good in me and pull me out.

Ginny: Either that or you have already found it and have become an Auror or Ministry official to do good.

Draco: Or there's the classic: 'I am going to use the youngest Weasley to get at Potter and his Dream Team'. 

Ginny: Or I turn the tables and use you to get Harry to notice me. Or to rebel against my family.

Draco: Oh yes, rebellions are so sweet. How many times have I rebelled against my 'evil' father?

Ginny: Well Draco, he _is_ a Death Eater after all?

Draco: Yeah? Well he is still my _father_.

Ginny: Yeah yeah. I've heard it a thousand times: 'You can't choose your family'.

Draco: That brings up another thing: Arranged marriages.

Ginny: Oooh! There have been a few of those, haven't there? Arranged Marriages, Marriages of convenience, blackmail, possession, obsession and the list goes on and on.

Draco: Well it's not _that _bad. I mean you aren't hard on the eyes.

Ginny: Why thank you. You're not too bad yourself.

Draco: I know.

Ginny: ~narrows eyes~ Well there have been a few when you are described not too flatteringly.

Draco: There are more than a few for you.

Ginny: Whatever. I know I am beautiful and that is all that matters.

Draco: ~snorts~ Just keep telling yourself that Weasley, maybe you'll eventually convince others.

Ginny: Shut up!

Draco: Don't feel like it.  ~pause~  I find the ones with edge of your seat excitement quite amusing. Especially when we are in precariously dangerous situations and we still have time to have a snogging session.

Ginny: ~looks at Draco darkly~ You would too, wouldn't you.

Draco: Don't tell me you don't enjoy them.

Ginny: ~blushes furiously~ I also find it quite amusing when you are all lovey dovey for no apparent reason. Straight out of the blue.

Draco: A lot can happen out of the Blue. How about the ones with Truth or Dare. _They_ are always fun.

Ginny: Or letters. Writing letters. I like those. Lots of chances for animosity there.

Draco: And anonymity. Speaking of which, the Yule Balls. Amazing how many of those there are.

Ginny: Or the ones when one of us dies and the other is left to grieve. Those ones take the most out of me.

Draco: Me too.

Ginny: Fluff is good. I like fluff. The fluffier the better.

Draco: Sometimes it's good, but some good old angst is nice every now and then.

Ginny: Well that's just because you're in Slytherin.

Draco: And the way you talk you should be in Hufflepuff.

Ginny: I take offence to that!

Draco: Good.

Ginny: I no longer want to speak to you.

~the 2 of them sit there for an hour, silently glaring at one another~

Draco: How long can that stupid girl talk on the phone for?

Ginny: Who knows? But I hope she comes back soon. I mean, I bet there are a ton of way better authors waiting for us to star in their fics.

Draco: True. True.

~another hour later~

Ginny: Ok. This is ridiculous! I swear, she is not talking! Just sitting there!

Draco: I know! And I am almost certain I have heard a quail in there more than once.

Ginny: Me too.

~they look at each other in confusion~

~ten minutes later~

Tiny Q: Ok, I'm back.

~reads the first paragraph~

Tiny Q: Wow. What a piece of crap.

~skims down what Ginny and Draco have said~

Tiny Q: Well. I see you two have been busy. Better run along. My muse has left and I have a feeling Gin Chan is itching to write the rest of her sequel to my 'Never Again'. 

~promptly shuts down program and begins to surf the web in search of her missing muse~

Draco: Well that was easy enough.

Ginny: I'll say.

Draco: How about some ice-cream?

Ginny: Love some.

~the two of them leave the grounds, hand in hand~

The End?!

~*~

A/N: Sad, wasn't it??? So yes, this is what happens when you have had too much sun. Stupid sun burns. Anyways, now review and tell me how bad it was. GO!


	2. Rant 2

Title: Draco and Ginny's Rant Part 2

Author: Tiny Q

E-Mail: one_legged_lesbian_seagull@hotmail.com

A/N: Well, I'm at it again.  My friend Lallie and I have been talking about D/G fics for a while now and I really wanted to do another rant.  I finally got around to it.  ~happy dance~  Now remembers: none of this is directed at other authors but more just at my own frustration with my own stories.  SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!  

Disclaimer:  I own nothing!  Especially the ideas that were Lallie's... or the random Monty Python rips and other rips... or my sister... or- How about you just read the story, eh?

**Draco and Ginny's Rant Part 2******

~*~

            "Ok, Colin," Ginny cooed as they both poked their heads around the corner.  "I'll go start a fight between Harry and Draco, you take pictures."

            "Got ya, Gin," Colin replied, holding up his precious cam-

Tiny Q: Phone!  ~scurries off~

Ginny: Phone again?

Draco: Seems like it.  ~glances at typed up story~  So you're going to start a fight, eh?  How do you intend to do that?

Ginny: Well, you know.  The usual flip of the hair, make you stop and stare at my dazzling beauty, you start to drool, Harry gets jealous.  ~shrug~  Fighting begins.

Draco: ~stares~

Ginny: And if that failed, I could simply have screamed rape.  ~innocent smile~

Draco: ~stares some more~

Ginny: Oh come on, it's not that terrible of an idea.

Draco: It's not that, I just couldn't get past the idea of Harry getting jealous.  

Ginny: He would so get jealous.  I'm Ginny Weasley.

Draco: Right...

Ginny: ~looks around~  Well I think we're going to be here for a while yet.  Her voice keeps spiking, I think she's having a good time.

Draco: Pity.  I was so looking forward to another wonderful epic that proves Tiny Q's insanity.

Ginny: I thought she ran out of ideas.

Draco: well, look at the beginning of this supposed story, does that seem like a strong first paragraph to you?

Ginny: ~stares~ No, I suppose it isn't.  At least we get a touch of a brake.

Draco: Aye, it's getting pretty bad lately, isn't it?  And the scary prospect is that it can still get much worse.

Ginny: Well I suppose, but I mean what do you expect when every probable idea or scenario has been used so often it's been ground into the earth.

Draco: Taking us with it.

Ginny: ~nods~ I mean, how many times can I honestly fall off my broom?  I'm not that big of a klutz.

Draco: Or how many times could I still not get the Snitch before that bloody Potter.

Ginny: Uh, Draco… I don't think the authors can help you with that…

Draco: ~evil glare~  Shut up.  At least I haven't been portrayed as utterly daft lately.

Ginny: No.  You just come out as utterly stupid.

Draco: If I didn't…

Ginny: You wouldn't anyway so don't bother wasting your breath.

Draco: My, you're getting bitter.

Ginny: Well of course I am!  I'm getting really sick of all the shit I am having to go through!  It's the same thing over and over again.  You save me, or something like that, I fall in love, or the other way around, and then we can't get together cause of our families, or something stupid like that, and yet we get together anyways!  ~flails her arms about~  WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!!

Draco: ~stares~ Yes, Ginny...  I think they have gotten to you...

Ginny: See?  But it's not really the clichés and reused ideas that get to me, it's the sex.

Draco: ~squeaks~ Sex?

Ginny: Yes Draco, sex.  It seems that the only thing a story needs to get some attention is sex or at the very least heavy make-out sessions.  It's ridicules!  Life isn't like that!

Draco: If you say so...

Ginny: ~dark glare~

Draco:  I'm a guy!  I have needs.

Ginny: ~shakes head~ Like a psychiatrist.

Draco: I think I've had a few already thanks.

Ginny: So have I.  But seriously now, if we started snogging right here and now, I'm sure we'd get a hell of a lot of attention.

Draco: Ok!  ~moves in closer~

Ginny: Oh grow up!

Draco: It was your suggestion.

Ginny: I was being sarcastic.

Draco: Well sorry.

Ginny: No you're not.

Draco: No, you're right.

Ginny: ~shakes head~ And after all that sex, do you know exactly how many times you have impregnated me?  Hasn't anyone ever heard of safe sex around here?!

Draco: ~grins~

Ginny: ~glares~

Draco: Ehem.  I mean, far too many times.  The first bit.  It's as if people are trying to say that with a child the family's complete and everything's peachy.

Ginny: So not realistic.

Draco: ~nods~  But then I suppose we live in a magical world and everything should be-

Sneezy: ~gasp~ Tiny Q's writing about _sex_.  ~stares in horror then shoots her hand up into the air~  Run away!  ~runs away~

Ginny: Well that was...

Draco: Interesting...

~both stare at Tiny Q's fleeing sister~

Ginny: Uh, what were we talking about?

Draco: ...I can't remember.

Ginny: Great.  Now what are we going to do?  

Draco: How about we debate why everyone thinks my father is abusive.

Ginny: Well, his is a bastard...

Draco: Yes, I'll give you that.  But why would I look up and adore someone like that?  It just doesn't make sense!

Ginny: Well... it could be a reflection-

Draco: Oh shut up.

Ginny: Fine.  I'm not saying a single word until that stupid Q returns.  

~plops down on the ground and pouts~

Draco: Well fine then.  I'll just sit here and stare at you until you can't take it anymore and are forced to say something.  The Weasley in you won't stand for it.  

~sits down in front of her and is true to his word~

**Twenty Minutes Later**

Ginny: Gah!  I can't take it any more!  Just stop staring!  ~Buries her head in her hands~

Draco: ~evil laugh~  You know, I don't think I do that often enough...

~sound of stomping footsteps~

Tiny Q: Time to write!  Time to write!  Time to- Oh poop.  You two wrote your own story.  Again.  ~glares~  Well fine then.

~saves story and then goes off to draw some terrible pictures depicting Draco falling off a cliff and Ginny being harassed by elephants.  And then just for good measure draws Nevilliepoo~

Ginny: Why elephants?

Draco: Why a cliff?

Together: Why Nevilliepoo?!

The End?

~*~

A/N: Well, there you have it: yet another crappy chapter.  And what fun it was.  Well, I'm going to go off and stick my head in a hole.  No one can flame me there!  Mwa ha ha ha!  Well, except maybe my ass...

Many thanks to the people who actually enjoyed the first part: **Kat, Gaberial's Angel, QueenC, VirtualFaerie, Lee Velviet, Lallie, Laurie Lupin, Jedi Tess of Gryffindor, rainbow dreamer, tajuki, Manissetan, StarNight, fizzyglitter, aHeyiouyehuik(Thanks, but I think I'll skip that little party, if you don't mind of course.)****, tulzdavampslayer, Never Again, Auri, evilryokojesseandfiend, jessica and** Tuilindo**.**


	3. Rant 3

Title: Draco and Ginny's Rant 3

Author: Tiny Q

E-Mail: one legged lesbian seagull hotmail.com (Please insert 3 underscores and one "at" sign)

A/N: Sorry for the not putting up the chapter properly a few weeks ago.  Something went wrong when I uploaded it and then all the symbols went missing and it made no sense.  Anyone else having this problem as well??  I haven't had a chance until now to edit it and make it readable.  But enough of that.  Well apparently I am back.  How wonderful eh?  And what do I bring with me?  Only the next instalment of 'Draco and Ginny's Rant'.  I hope you are all jumping around like excited kids on sugar before Santa arrives.  ...  Don't really know where that came from.  Anyhoo, my depression is finally starting to lift up so happier things are definitely on the way.  Which is good.  And what better of a way to kick it off than with a rant.  This is a compilation of all the silly things that I have been thinking of and a few of the things I have been reading.  But please, if you are a fan fic writer: DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY!!  It's all in fun.  And come on, you all know that this all does happen.  wink  It's kind of weird though that I am writing like one of these a year... So if my writing style seems different from the other two that will be why.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  Nothing at all.  Though I really really wish Draco was mine.  sigh  Sadly he's not though.  If any one could get me a real live Draco I am sure my bouts of depression would clear up and I could write happy stories more often!  :D

**Draco**** and Ginny's Rant 3**

–O–

            "Ok, Luna," Ginny said cheerfully, looking at the wide-eyed girl.  "All you really need to do is go over there and talk to Malfoy.  Then come back here and tell me what he said."  The blonde looked over to the other blonde, her eyes growing a touch wider. 

            "But he doesn't know anything about the Crumplehorned Snorlaxes," Luna replied in a misty voice.  "He told me so himself."

            "Yes well," Ginny continued, a grin on her face.  "You don't need to go asking him about those this time.  Just ask him about-"

Tiny Q: Gah!  Stupid phone!  I want to write!

– _Tiny Q scurries off to yell at who ever was unfortunate enough to phone her_ –

Draco: – w_alks over to where Ginny is standing, ignoring __Luna__ who is off in her own little world_ – And what is it exactly that the Loon was supposed to ask me on your behalf.

Ginny: Boxers of briefs.

Draco: And you actually thought that would work?

Ginny: Hey, I didn't make up the script.

Draco: Something I know all too well.  Not that there would be much of an improvement if you did anyways.

Ginny: Hey, at least I would come up with something a bit more fresh than what's been going on lately.

Draco: Oh, and what is it that would be so different with you running the show?

Ginny: Well, for one thing, I would be the one with my own personal room for once.  I don't see why you always get one and I don't.

Draco: Well, for one thing you have to be Head Girl, or Boy in my case, or so it seems, which means that you have to be in your seventh year.  Or you have to be very rich.  All of which you fail to qualify for.

Ginny: Now that was just cruel.  I am sure if there is a nice enough author I could get my own room.

Draco: Yah, so you could share it with the Mudblood.

Ginny: I'd defend her but I am sick of doing it.  Can't you just grow up?

Draco: Apparently not.  But since we are on the topic of immaturity, you know what's really getting old?

Ginny: Hmm?

Draco: Our nickname insults for each other.  Take "Mal-Ferret" for example.  I get the jist that I am a "bad ferret" but really, it's just silly.  Ferret I can understand but don't try to insult me with English/French splices.  Not even the Canadians do that, and their bilingual!

Ginny: Which I still don't understand, but now is not the time to get into that.  But look on the bright side, at least you aren't referred to as "Weaslette" or "Brat".  I still can't understand the last one.  Why would you want to make out with a brat?  It makes me seem like I'm five and you're a pedophile.

Draco: Ick.  Bad mental image.  Thanks for that.

Ginny: Oh, no problem. 

Draco: But since we are on the topic of children, can I mention my father again?

Ginny: Gah!  I get it already!  Your father is not abusive, verbally or physically, otherwise you wouldn't worship him the way you do!  Nor is he neglectful or anything of the sort, or you wouldn't be talking about him every other line in the bloody books.  He's just a rudy Death Eater who you seem to have an unhealthy obsession with!

Draco: I wouldn't call it unhealthy.  He is still my father.

Ginny: – _screams_ – You are such a loser!

Draco: Takes one to know one.

Ginny: Now we are getting back to the petty bickering, which is rather nice since there seems to be so few stories these days where we actually hate each other in the beginning anymore.  It's like people just want to skip all that and move right on to the action.

Draco: Back to that topic again, are we?

Ginny: Well, I just couldn't resist.  I mean seriously now, how many times can I truly be deflowered.  It's not like it grows back!  Why can't _you _ever be the virgin?

Draco: Because my name isn't _Virgin_ia, now is it?

Ginny: Well it's not my name either.  It's Ginerva Molly Weasley, thank you very much.  The All Powerful J.K. Rowling says so.

Draco: But it hasn't stopped anyone from referring to you as Virginia, has it?

Ginny: – _sorrowfully_ – No.  What do you want to rant about now that I am all put out?

Draco: How about all the wonderful clichés that are emerging after the fifth book's release?  Do people really think that if I am orphaned at the age of sixteen, or better yet: seventeen, I would need to go live with the Weasleys?  I would be legally old enough to live on my own _and_ I would be bloody rich!

Ginny: Of course you would be.  But then you wouldn't get to experience the joy of having six brothers.

Draco: I thought we weren't going to talk about family anymore.

Ginny: No, just _your_ family, _my_ family has never been discussed. 

Draco: I think that there is a reason for that...

Ginny: – _glares_ – I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, only because I want to rant too.  How is it possible for me to have a favourite brother?  Isn't it my duty as the sister to love them all as equally as I possibly can?

Draco: You mean it's your sisterly duty?

Ginny: Exactly.  Just like it seems to be Ron's brotherly duty to beat the crap out of you for coming within four meters of me.

Draco: That boy's like clockwork, isn't he?

Ginny: Yup, he's almost as predictable as it is for me to taste like strawberries.

Draco: – _arches eyebrow –_

Ginny: What I would like to know is why.

Draco: Well that one's easy.  You have red hair, and strawberries are red, thus you must taste like a strawberry.

Ginny: Well, if that isn't corny I don't know what is.

Draco: I never said it wasn't.

Ginny: So then why do you smell and taste like spice all the time?

Draco: Well, isn't it obvious? 

Ginny: – _raises eyebrow_ –

Draco: I am the Spicy Sexy Slytherin Sex God, I need to taste spicy.

Ginny: – _raises other eyebrow_ –  If you say so...

Draco: You can't deny that I can move my hips like that supposed Chameleon of Pop, David Bowie.

Ginny: Yes, I can, and I am.  And I don't think I ever want to hear you comparing yourself to David Bowie again.  It's just _wrong_.  He's precious.

Draco: You wound me woman.

Ginny: Good.

Draco: Well, since you got your bloody answer, how about you answer one of mine then.  Why is it that our son is named "Damien" like seventy percent of the time?  Did I miss something in the books or is it just one of those things?

Ginny: It must be one of those things because I don't remember ever hearing about a Damien before either.

Draco: Well, as long as it's not just me.

Ginny: Yah, and they seem to like making sure it's not just you too, don't they.

Draco: You mean all the binding charms, hexes and spells?

Ginny: Mmm hmm.  It's not like I really want to see you sitting on the loo.

Draco: Trust me, the feeling is mutual.  Odd how that part is almost never in the story, is it?  It's completely forgotten that we ever have to go to the washroom, unless it is a convenient plot device.

Ginny: I really don't think anyone would want to read about it, Malfoy.

Draco: Then why would they want to read about you being turned into a cat, Weasley?

Ginny: What do those two have to do with each other?  Oh well, your right about the cat thing though.  Why can't I ever be turned into something more interesting, like a dog or a bird or a-

Draco: Monkey?  That would be interesting.  Or a pig.  No wait, you already live like one in that shack you call a house, so that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

Ginny: Watch it Ferret Boy...

Draco: And once again with the name calling.  Which brings me to the last thing I wanted to say, how is it possible that I can become the DADA proff the year after I graduate?  That's like two months time.  Don't I need some real world experience before I can do that?  – _pauses_ –  Why are you looking at me like that, Weasley?

Ginny: Have I ever told you how much I hate you?

Draco: About every day of your life.

Ginny: Good.  Because I really, really do sometimes.

Draco: Well, at least it's only sometimes. 

– _Ginny scowls and __Draco__ smirks back.  It could have turned into something more, something passionate, but the author decided to rear her blonde head and ruin all the "Action" Seekers' fun_ –

Tiny Q: – _cackles_ –  Yay for Lallie and her rants!  Now I really want to listen to listen to Eric Clapton...

– _reads__ over the dialogue while getting out her father's Best of Clapton CD_ –

Tiny Q: Why do you people keep doing this to me?  Am I not good enough to be allowed to write my own stories? 

– _breaks into tears and runs away, planning on drawing Ginny/Neville art instead of the D/G she does too much of_ –

Draco: You and Neville?  Now that's interesting.  – _bursts__ out laughing_ –

Ginny: – _pales considerably then launches herself at __Draco__ and clings to him like the world is going to end_ –  No!  You can't let her do that to me!

Draco: And why not?

Ginny: Because you love me?

Draco: Why do you always have to look so bloody cute when you say that?

Luna: I like ice cream.

The End.

–O–

A/N: Please don't hate me!  But I really have been itching to do some N/G art...  I think it is such a cute ship.  Now all I have to do is find the time to sit down and sketch it out.  Anyhoo, don't know how many more of these are actually going to happen.  Can the clichés really get any worse?  Can my pool of supposed originality get any shallower??  Can you really not lick your own elbow???  The sad part is, is that it's all probably true.  So who knows, you might hear more from them... Though I don't know why you would want to...

But until then, many thanks to: **cashew**(Oh, I commit them all the time. I think it goes hand in hand with writing D/G. :D)**, Rockelle**(That was one of my fav parts. Newts!)**, DracoandGinny**(Hopefully you didn't die...)**, SkysTheLimit, Simbal, o0true0o, Lallie**(I don't know if I could fit elephants into a D/G rant. Perhaps when we do another rant they can be the word of the day...)**, Amaya**(Ouchie)**, tulzdavampslayer, JupiterS12**(Cackling and hoping? Now that takes talent :)**, Queen of Night, Rhia, ****Bobby****, VirtualFaerie, Sailor Gemini, ****Alyssa****Rose****, pickel**(Love the name!)**, Mara-Jade-FSS, Jade Summers, Lily Evans29, aurora borealis1**(She really used to be like that too. One mention of the word sex and she would be out of the room so fast)**, Sabriel41(**Tiny, if you please. There is always a spot on my site if you still want to put stuff up, dear)**, unperfection, xlight, deity of death1**, **Yazethet**(No, I think it is in the Malfoy blood to smirk. They have special smirking muscles that make it so it doesn't hurt. I have no idea where that come from... :)**, XTeresaX**(Well, I only really read D/G so I'm not very familiar with the other clichés)**, Fairy-Queen770, mell8, citcat299**(Right what??)**, Savelyeva**(Why thank you)**, Lady **, **The Devils Child 666** and **kitti****.**


End file.
